Fuckboys are right not to spend more time with us, not to treat us better. We don’t deserve better. that’s why we love them, because they are smart enough, understand us enough, see deeply into us enough to know that we are unworthy. And so by treating us in a manner appropriate to our unworthiness, they demonstrate a deep kinship with our own view of ourselves.
Now who the fuck created a woman who feels like this!! Well, I can tell you unquestionably in my case it was my mother. When I was ten years old I recall her screaming at me, “You’re so fucking beautiful you don’t even have to be nice to people, because everyone just wants to be your friend!”
Now let’s have a look at that, shall we? First of all, Beautiful has now become an insult, a slap in the face, an asset of which I should be ashamed. Add to that the fact that I am apparently not nice, because I don’t have to be, because I am (apparently) beautiful – which is a bad thing and possibly my own fault (remember, I’m ten). In fact though, I did not have a lot of friends, so did that mean I was or was not beautiful?…And then did that extrapolate that I was or was not nice? Would people like me more or less if I were more or less nice, more or less beautiful….and then, again, it actually didn’t seem a lot of people wanted to be my friend…I was constantly switching schools, so I was always the new kid…and as uncertain as I was about my own standing in my mother’s eyes, it seemed safest to keep things on the down-low as far as forcing new connections. So I became the Loner. And when you are beautiful, talented, inherently bubbly and sociable, Loner is translated as “stuck up.” Which is apparently how I was viewed in school, though I could never understand why…
This is what Gaslighting does to a person’s head. It’s why I have lived virtually my entire life with PTSD. And it’s how I became a FuckHead: someone who is so fucked up in the head she doesn’t even know what a healthy relationship looks like, and if confronted with it runs screaming because it feels so completely foreign and frightening. FuckHeads are attracted to Fuckboys because they validate what we know to be true of ourselves: that we are unworthy of love, flawed in every way that matters, and deserving only of derision.
Living with PTSD is like living with the enemy in your bed, in your kitchen, in your car, in your local market….Your worst enemy could literally pop up in your face like an evil fucking jack in the box with no advanced warning, anywhere, anytime.
My wonderful, amazing boyfriend, guy, main squeeze…whatever you want to call him…Heretofore known as Bone…Bone has known me seven weeks and I think he is only JUST beginning to scratch the surface of the real me. I tried to start our relationship without giving him the whole drama of the past three years…lol! That was fucking brilliant!!! The first time he accidentally triggered me I ended up on the toilet with the door closed, sobbing, while he stood in my kitchen with his hands in the air, putting his jacket on, taking it off, putting it on, taking it off, wondering WTF happened to the cool AF, hot AF, chill AF woman he had known for the past two weeks. Lucky me, when I realized I had been triggered and tried to explain to him without giving him the whole story (which would take a month), he trusted his gut and stood by me, slowly and gently proving to me that he is trustworthy and genuine, through his actions, his attentiveness, his lack of judgement…And I could SEE how difficult this was, and believe me I GET IT! I KNOW I look like a fucking basket case! The miracle is that I can still hold a glass of water and drive a motor vehicle – that I’m not sitting in a corner somewhere shaking uncontrollably, checking my watch for my next psychiatric cocktail. And this man, with his porn star body and a cock and voice to match, this man steadfastly gives me the love, acceptance, and freedom I am longing for, on a hunch that there is something spectacular hiding beneath the damaged surface. And boy, did he take the right fucking gamble!!! (Pardon the pun ) There is so much love and passion within me, just waiting for the right soul to act as my ballast as I share ALL of my gifts with the world!
For the first time in my life, I am in love for the RIGHT reasons! I love him because, yes, he is hot AF, red HOT in bed, can and will, at my preference, fuck me or make love to me or whisper in my ear and give me just the release I need while asking nothing in return…He can accept all I have to offer him, physically, emotionally, spiritually, without fear or anxiety, because he is strong within himself. When he gives love he gives it freely, and without expectation. He is here, as am I, to make the world a better place, to make life a little easier for others, and to hopefully receive some Grace, love and ease in return. But that is NEVER his motivation. He is here to spread kindness. He does not ask that I change in any way for him. There are no strings. He is man enough to see my worth, and to know that he has earned the privilege of having a woman like me at his side because he has offered himself in love and compassion, one injured soul to another, without reservation or expectation. And that is a man who is sufficiently steadfast in his own masculine identity to act as a ballast for me, should I require one. That is a man who is powerful enough for even me to lean upon, to allow and encourage me to be everything I can be.
So, yeah, I guess you could say I’ve finally kicked the FuckBoy addiction!
I really have no idea where I’m going with this blog…it is a spiritual quest, and I am constantly challenged to continue living in the moment. I’m so curious to see what tomorrow’s post is! And that’s pretty much what gets me out of bed each day….an insatiable curiosity to see what a Universe that has been so very, very good to me already, has to offer me with the next rising of the sun.
gotta to…I’m hungry