The Annual FuckBoy Apology Text

How many of you ladies receive these? A year after some guy sees how fantastically amazing you are, declares his love for you and then disappears off the face of the planet, he suddenly appears as a late night PING on your cell phone…

Hi. It’s Generic Fuckboy… I hope you’re doing well. I missed you. I fucked up and was scared because of how much kindness you gave me and I was afraid I didn’t deserve it but you’ve been on my mind since I stupidly ran away and I can’t hold it back any more…I’m sorry for hurting you. “ (Inserts old pic from Tinder, in case you can’t remember who he is 😂.)

How am I supposed to respond to this? I mean, at first glance I’m touched….”Awww, so nice, I was right, I really was just too much goodness for him.” And that easy he’s off the hook… But then I regain my senses: I have thanked the Universe many times for nipping that one in the bud, because if there was ever need for proof of my desperate need for validation and companionship one year ago, my entertaining the thought of regular habitation with that specimen is it.

But come on ladies, how many of us might be tempted by just such an apology if we were NOT in a really good place when it arrived? And therein lies the danger to us all!

It takes just ONE FuckBoy apologizing like this for we FuckHeads to apply the logic to every ensuing FuckBoy that “He’s just too scared and lacking in confidence to be able to handle so much kindness because no one has ever treated him right.” I mean at the heart of it, yes, this is TRUE of every FuckBoy. But it is so deeply rooted in his subconscious that it would take the light of a thousand suns to expose it.

Thus such an apology is on a par with offering a mug of eggnog to an alcoholic at a Christmas party: It’s evil may have taken on the cast of kindness, but it is equally assured to destroy the most resolute of recovering FuckHeads if it strikes her at a moment of vulnerability. And this is what makes it the most diabolical of FuckBoy tactics.

Let’s start with the time frame: ONE year. Now, surely, no matter how fantasmical you were, there is the outside possibility that after a year she has fully recovered and rarely thinks of you anymore. And you’re telling me you thought of her often in the ensuing year and yet somehow it wasn’t until this moment (shortly after your google calendar reminded you of last year’s events) that you finally worked up the courage to text her and apologize? 🧐

Or is it possible that you saw her name in your history, remembered what a Hot Mess she was, thought about the sorry state of your current sex life and wished you hadn’t ended things so badly that you couldn’t at least count on her for a 10PM booty call?

I mean 10PM is reasonable right? Only the A listers get pinged before midnight.

And then I have to wonder (but only for about 5 seconds because I’m about to climb into bed with my Warrior as soon as I’m done with this rant) when I don’t respond, will you move on down the list?

You see, I used to fall for this shit. Back in the day when I was a Sad Ass Doormat. Now I’m a Kick Ass Empath who knows her worth and expects to be appreciated.

The Man I’m with now? The one who stuck it out for a few months of Crazy to see what I might turn into with daily doses of unconditional love? You should see the shit he had to deal with because of assholes like you. He spent months patiently and lovingly earning my trust because my walls were up so high and my alarms all set on hypersensitive. And you know what? He stuck it out. He had the courage, the compassion, the heart, the MANLINESS to stand tall and steady the boat while I caught my footing and my breath. It wasn’t easy for him – he struggles with the very same male insecurities and sensitivity’s to crazy ass Girlfriends as most men. But he had the inner fortitude, not to mention the 20/20 vision into MY soul, to wait out the storms and see what was on the other side. And now he is reaping the benefits of all my love, all my compassion, all my kindness, and all the porn star sex he can handle.

So I thank you for your apology and I hope it was sincere. But I must also thank you for being so obviously a douche bag, because if you hadn’t been I might have ended up with you instead of the Warrior I’m now going to join in bed.

I hope he enjoys the blog post 😂 💁‍♀️ 😈😈😈


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