Lessons in Actualization

DH, my ex, doesn’t believe in actualization, and that is a very dangerous way to exist. We DO actualize our lives, either by accident or on purpose.  So if you spend your energy focusing on your fears, guess what’s gonna get actualized?

The change began when our first child was born… Being a father was the first thing at which he did not naturally excel, and his jealousy over the energy diverted from him to our daughter confused and shamed him – emotions he was not prepared to cope with nor process, so he unconsciously looked for ways to place the blame on me, while soothing his ego through the success and accolades he found in his career.

As I grew as a woman and mother, the more I excelled and blossomed the greater became his fear that he didn’t deserve me. And rather than stepping up to the challenge of becoming the man he longed to be, he allowed himself to wallow in self loathing – ultimately projecting it on to me, until he had come to believe I loved him as little as he loved himself – long before that was fully actualized.

What we truly believe about ourselves and our lives will come to pass.   Guard your thoughts carefully – the Bible isn’t kidding.

He is a master at Self Fulfilling Prophecy, my ex husband. From the beginning he believed he was not good enough and harbored a deep seeded fear of losing me

Which fed his imagination until he had actualized his own worst nightmare.

Fearing my allowing our daughter to become a professional YouTuber would destroy her career prospects, he took the reigns from me and went about ruining them himself; sabotaging a lucrative career and my daughter’s dreams along the way by bowing to her teenage whims and craftily removing from her sphere of influence the one person who had ever truly been her “parent.”

In the end, he became consumed by his own fears and insecurities, avoiding them by allowing his career to replace our marriage as his primary focus, until there was nothing left of our relationship but a few scraps of history twisting and snapping in the wind.

And then he went about convincing me and anyone else who would listen that this was somehow my doing … which I suppose he truly believed, although our marriage had not stopped being the center of my world until there was nothing left of it. He loved me so much he could not face the fact that he had allowed his fears and insecurities to cause the destruction both of me and of everything we had built together.  This would be more pain than he could bear. It HAD to be my fault. It’s the only truth he could live with.

Here’s the saddest part, and herein lies the danger in choosing to ignore the truth about actualization…. in the process of convincing himself that this was my fault for not loving him enough, he drove me to hate him a good deal more than he could ever have imagined I did.

The moral of this story?

It takes two people to make a marriage work, but, sometimes, it takes only one to destroy it. One lost soul trapped and blinded to their own Spiritual Truth by the pain of their past, which is ruled by fear.

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