So now that I have officially embarked on this next phase of my life, put my old life behind me and wrapped up most of the loose ends, what is left is the hardest part: facing the enemy within. I have rid my life of the narcissists telling me I am crazy and delusional. What remains is the inner voice that has learned those lines and accepted the lie that if I let down my guard and dare to leap I will fail. The Universe has shown me time and again that the best is yet to come, but old habits die hard.
I wonder now many people realize that despite my sunny outlook and perpetual laughter, I do have to start each morning with a series of pep talks. Many days I wake up and want only to sleep on the couch in front of the television until my body has become one with the bonded leather. But I allowed myself do that for the allotted period of time, so now I get out of bed, give the nasty bitch in my head a good punch in the face, put on some happy music and look for things to smile about until I find myself smiling without effort. And I guess that’s how we do it – learning to live again, learning to trust again, learning to love in the face of this chronic, debilitating fear that anything in which we invest will fall apart at the blink of an eye. Because that is, ultimately, what ruins us. The loss of faith in the ground beneath our feet. It’s like someone who has been in a plane crash, or a terrorist attack, or, more aptly, someone who fell down a sink hole that opened up beneath their feet while they were crossing the street on their way to work. How can you EVER feel safe again?????
When you have put your entire life into building a home and a family, and one day you wake up to realize your spouse was never who you thought they were, was never entirely honest with you, has taken or destroyed everything that matters to you in this world to punish you for who you are, it becomes almost impossible to trust again. Certainly impossible to trust in the same way.
I will not allow him to take that away from me. That ability to trust another human being with my heart and my life. I don’t know how to accomplish this yet, but I’m working on it. Some days I am more on the losing than the winning side, and those are the days that my PTSD management systems and habits come back into play. Up go the lists, on goes the happy music, mantras and deep breathing once again punctuate my day, and I put a firm muzzle on my inner voice, push her back into her box and snap the lid shut. I know she’ll pop out at me again. But each time she does, I hope to face her with a little more confidence and strength.