Coming Out…

I once read a book that I realize now was about depression, but as a young teen reading it, I knew only that the author had described the world in which I lived with eerie intimacy, and this book has haunted me ever since, though the title eludes me….The premise, as I remember it, was that a young man lived in a world where he gradually became invisible while his perception of the world around him simultaneously and gradually turned to black and white. At some point a seagull entered his black and white bubble, and they could see and interact with each other, but no one could see or interact with them….I don’t remember how the book ended, but yes, I was one of those young teenage girls who drowned/hid their depression/anxiety/social phobias behind a book, consuming a wide range of literature and giving herself an education in the process. #fuckyoupublicschool

I concede, it must be scary AF for someone on the outside to peer through the murky windows of this bubble, as every now and then someone does….to see me with my head in my hands and a virtual gun to my head…I mean, I know I’m fine, and anyone else who has a permanent visa to this Hell Hole knows I’m fine (probably), but to someone who hasn’t spent a lot of time here, to witness me scream “I know I’m holding a fucking gun to my head but it’s really ok, I come here a lot, I’ve got this shit covered, and by the way fuck off for a while, would you? The mere fact of your standing there being Normal is exponentially increasing the pain in my soul…” I can see this would be confusing, difficult, frustrating…and I wish I could change that for you but if I could change ANYTHING about this shit I would, so please don’t even APPEAR to take it personally because that will make my pain so much worse it will make both our souls hurt in places you didn’t even know could feel pain … and when I offer to hold the door open for you, understand it’s cuz I KNOW this is shitty, and I have to live with it so I’ve learned how, but I have no expectation that anyone else should want to….and OH, BTW, the last guy who did was apparently manipulating and lying to me the whole time, so the fact that you’re still here automatically makes you suspect….But if you want to stay then yeah, you’re more than welcome and your steadfastness is noted and cherished….I just can’t promise it gets any better than this.


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